Monday, September 27, 2010


It's so crazy how Korean people,children especially are fascinated with body hair. I don't really understand the "Whoa!" factor. I've seen hairy Koreans. Like adjeoshi or younger men with not so much leg hair as patchy "plots" sporatically growing on their legs. Yes it is rare to see a Korean man with facial hair.However lately I've seen a few beards on the subway. It's strange.
But Koreans are no stranger to hair! I've seen countless mustaches and overgrown eye brows and nose hairs for days.
My students are AMAZED with my arm hair and try to "pet" it when I am trying to help them with their work. My girls constantly try to sneak up on me and run their dirty fingers through my hair. I AM NOT IMPRESSED! Nor am I some Waguk Barbie. I constantly have to tell them to keep their hands to themselves.  I once asked my special needs co-teacher why my students are so enamored with my arm hair. " You know the Korean people ( as most Korean lies start off) are not hairy! We do not have hair like the foreigners" As her upper lip is weighed down by and extra-thick mustache. Korean men might not be hairy but the women sure are. At least foreign women have the sense to pluck, or wax mustaches instead of cake them with concealer.That is no bueno. The little mirror/comb combo thats seems to be so popular these days is not to comb your mustache or shape your eyebrows ladies. it's for your bangs. I've got an idea. Instead of little mirrors with combs Korean beauty stores should invest in developing  little wax strip/lipgloss compacts. I'm sure they would sell like Spam kits during Chuseok!
Next time someone pets my arm hair like a dog or tries to finger F&%K my freshly styled coiff,I'm going to grab their little Korean mustache hairs and pull for dear life. Until next time...

Confucius say: When there are Korean claims of hairlessness beware. Because I'll be after your bushy top lip with a bottle of Nair!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Chuseok~ and Lesbian sex books?

This past week we celebrated Chuseok ( Korean Thanksgiving).  Originally I was a little depressed because Kate and I couldn't plan a mini-vacay due to our conflicting days off. I had to work last Monday ( I use the term "work" loosely) while Kate got to sleep in, and I had Friday off and of course she had to work. We tried to fanangle a 4 day get away somewhere. We played with the ideas of Taipei or Hong Kong. We finally decided to go to Hong Kong since I was keen on checking out Disneyland Hong Kong and Kate was excited about the shopping, but alas it wasn't meant to be. The return times coupled with the exhorbited price of returning flights from Hong Kong just didnt seem worth it. Bottom lips poked out we decided staying  that Korea was our best bet. A few days later we while having morning coffee,and watching CNN Weather there were reports that a typhoon had hit Hong Kong and a hurricane had swept over Taipei. We would have had a soggy Chuseok adventure, and thats no fun for anyone. At first I wasn't excited about the Chuseok mini break but it definitely started to look up last Tuesday night. I had a little dinner party at my aparment, where my friend Tina so graciously offered to cook some Thai specialties. Her green curry and Chicken Satay were A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! After everyone had their fill...some more than others. We half-assed played Dirty Minds. We did our usual mini-rant about Korea and how ridiculous it is. However somewhere in between the cheese and crackers and the appetizers the night got more interesting when my friend Ricky picked up my Complete Guide to Lesbian Sex Book and started reading passages. That's when things got RIDICULOUS. " Maybe you should give seminars on this stuff... men need to know" I agreed with my friends. They could learn a lot from their Sapphic counterparts. Page after page, the room errupted in laughter as we theorized sordid sexual situations , munched on Krispy Kreme doughnuts and drank Moscato out of Dixie cups ( classy right?). Who knew chuseok dinner+A Lesbian Sex guide could =so much fun?  The dinner party turned into a wrap session which carried into the wee hours of the morning. I'm sure this was the most risque Chuseok dinner conversation this side of the Han river.
The party was a sucess and I'm sure we all learned a few new sexual tidbits. It was great way to start off my mini Chuseok Vacay!
What's on the agenda for the Christmas party...egg nog, Christmas cookies and an S& M demonstration?
 I love my friends...never a dull moment. Until next time...
Confucius says: To spice up a dinner party or next office picnic, pick up the next edition lesbian sex guide that shoul do the trick!
( I'm sure you wouldn't find this tip in Home Living or Martha Stuart)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Operation: Do What It Do!

Tiffany Teacher+broken Western toilet + Squat toilet + Rumble in the Jungle x crowded bathroom with co-workers= not a good time for ANYONE!
 Operation : Do what it Do
(Disclaimer: if you don't find poop amusing or the least bit no further)
I know there are some things people just don't talk about... well just so we're clear, I'm not those people!

Last Friday started off like most days. Bearing the elements and making it to school on time,morning classes, followed by iced tea and a  n sugary breakfast snack of some sort.Around second period there was a rumble in the jungle. When a situation such as this arises at school, I try my best to calm the storm. Because I know, like most people no one wants to drop a "deuce"at work. The more I tried to keep it at bay, the more my stomach rumbled. I def should have skipped the iced tea that morning. Let me pause right here and take a moment to explain my school's bathroom room facilities. The bathroom is located outside of the main building and is rinsed daily with an over-sized hose by a cranky purple haired adjumma. There are 4 stalls, one of which is a Western toilet which is also doubles as a mop closet. The other 3 stalls are squat toilets. Which my co-workers frequent on the regular. See the picture on the right. There is rarely toilet paper in the stalls, so of course I'm always prepared with a roll of my own. I waited as as long as I could  while I changed into my rain boots, instead of my usual slippers. One can never be too careful about splatter. Didn't want poop slippers, that would have been awkward and hard to explain. I bided my time as I waited for my co-workers to finish their after lunch dash for the bathroom for make-up reapplication and teeth brushing. I waited until I saw my co-workers file out of the bathroom. I made my way to the squat toilet furthest from the door and to my surprise WTF? The TP bandit struck again.My toilet paper roll I put in there an hour earlier had disappeared. Ugh! So I dashed back to the teacher's lounge and grabbed another roll. When I returned to the bathroom, it was jam packed with co-workers. I decided to wait them out. Consequently, I ended up brushing my teeth 3 times :(
It's not like I could blow it up  in the bathroom and then blame another foreigner.A: I'm the only one at my school. B : I didn't even have any Lysol. Now when I first got Korea I scoffed at the thought of ever using a squat toilet. It proves to be quite a balancing act which I've mastered in the past months. But squat poop? That was a whole nother issue with a whole nother set of problems.

I am guilty of having the "Finch" syndrome of wanting to save "the deuce" for home. Most Koreans could care less and let it rip anywhere. But this was no time for "Finch". It was time for action! Me and my duck boots, a roll of toilet paper, and my fingers crossed, assumed the position. In minutes my frustration and angst were over. I have to tell wasn't that bad.
That squat toilet may seem daunting but trust me people it's all bark and no bite.Could you imagine if it did? Needless to say I already asked my school to repair the Western toilet. I won't be making a habit of
"pooping a squat ". Crisis averted and all was calm in the jungle. Note to self: Caffeine + sugary breakfast treats are not my friends between the hours of 8:00am and 4:30pm. I hope this serves as a warning for my fellow expat teachers. Til next time!

Confucius say: When in doubt and one must squat! Be care where you aim  or Deucie will be your new nickname!

The 90's

( press PLAY on the video below so you can listen as your read)

The 90's are back in full affect!
In Korea the 90's are back HARD like Winona Ryder in  a Reality Bites or Tia Carrere in Wayne's World type of way!
Cut-off shorts, baggy shirt/sweaters hanging off the shoulder,combat boots, 501 mom jeans. Crowds of Koreans who think they're DOIN' IT, in woollen V neck jumpers, either on or tied to the waist,tears in the jeans topped off with prom shoes.Numerous faces of pale makeup with smokey eyes and bad dye jobs. It's like a continuous episode of Melrose Place or 90210. Me personally, I'm not one for the re-vamping of 90's fashion! You won't see me in a romper, stone washed jeans,ripped tights, an over-sized t-shirt reading NOT!, lining my lips or rocking a scrunchie! That's all you Korea!
No thanks! I'm not sure if it's just Korea or Fashion in general. NowI know its the nature of fashion to recycle but the 90's? Really?
I'm sooo not impressed! Til next time...

Confucius says: Beware of the 90's wave washing over your local retail stores, dont get caught with a scrunchie in your hair or stone washed jeans. What not to Wear will be knocking at your door!