Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dear John Letter

My dearest Korea,
Its been a while since we last spoke. I'm sure you've noticed my distant almost absentee behavior. I know you're not the brightest crayon in the box so let me spell it out for you. Let me say this in the nicest way possible since you have ALWAYS shown me the utmost love and compassion. Yaaaa ...We' re done! With only 30 days left. I feel it's only right to let you know that I'm leaving you for my old girlfriend America. She's cleaner, more polite, a great deal smarter and she even speaks English. I know we tried to work out our differences.
* shhh don't cry...munch on these prawn flavored snacks. *
 It's going to be ok! You're going to meet some new unsuspecting waygook that you can charm with your wiles until they start to dislike you too.
It's just you and I both know this hasn't been working for some time now.
It's better to part ways now than wait. We both knew this wasn't for the long term. America and I had our problems but she's ALWAYS going to be my #1.
*No I don't have anymore snacks!!! *
Korea, you've given me so much and I will always love you for that. You encouraged me to learn Korean, my chopstick game is sick! I now love eating a random mish mash of foods out of big family style plates,I'm more open to try strange new and interesting things, and I have no regard for matching.
You've changed my life in so many ways, but in turn made me miss and appreciate my lovely America sthat much more. If ever I see someone not wash their hands, am pushed by a small Asian woman, or get a faint whiff of kimchi I'll think of you.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Lolita Syndrome

 So in my university years I'd been known to wear a few questionable outfits in the past. I am no stranger to cleavage. I am mean I really can;t be with DD's. becuase even the most innocent dress can be tranformed into a club dress by my ample bosom.

As an educator my attire has been curbed siginifigantly into chic yet slightly conservative pieces.
But Korea has taken my conservative attire to a whole new level. Anything short of a turtleneck has made me feel like a harlet. V neck shirts have been traded in for crew necks and cardigans. Which is more of a hassel then anything in the warmer months.
And yet my Korean counter parts, who suffer severly from what I will call the "Lolita Syndrome". If you're unfamiliar, this is when grown women wear clothing obviously meant for young girls under the age of 12. Bows, all things lace, short and even a baby voice to boot. These self proclaimed innocent women garb themselves in"dresses" that are really shirts,belts masquerading as skirts, and  shorts that might as well be underwear, paired with four inch stripper heels. Where's Humbert Humbert when you need him?
God forbid I go bare-legged in the summer months or better yet show my arms. The Korean double standard rears its big ugly head. I get sneers and gawking stares not only from old Koreans but half naked Korean women.
 I'm pretty sure I just saw that girl's pubes hanging from her jean shorts. But I'm the whore?
It's gotten so bad that just this morning I was deciding what dress I should wear. I put on my favorite Morrocan inspired knee length dress , beige tank, a black cardi and my blue bejeweled shoes.  I made it 10 steps out the door,feeling the brush of the wind on my freshly shaved legs I ran back inside and put on a pair of black tights. It's official. Korea has gotten to me. Ashamed to go bare-legged. What have I become?

Oh the shame....

Confucius says: If foreign legs,be bare and out for show  a man will ask "Hey you Lussia?" 얼마죠?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Mythbuster Korea!

"So... Tiffany, You still in China? Japan?"
Let's play a game. Shall we?

This is MythBusters and Im Jamie and you're the other guy!      Myth 1: I DO NOT live in Japan or China. I'm in Korea
Korean Peninsula, it is bordered by China to the northwest, Russia to the northeast, and is separated from Japan to the east by the Korea Strait and
the Sea of Japan
Myth 2: "You're probably like the tallest person in Korea"
Umm...NO! At a "towering" 5'10 and some change ,I am by far not the tallest person let alone female in Korea. Have you seen Korean Basketball players?

Myth 3: " So you can like get everything bootleg there?  Jordans for $20 and diamonds for $10 right? If I send you some money..."
C'mon people REALLY? You think Koreans are Blinged out Jordan wearers? You've been watching way too much TV. Here's a thought pick up a book or read the BBC news. Koreans are not walking around blinged out sporting the newest 22's. Sorry to burst your bubble. I almost peed myself $10 diamonds!!!! SERIOUSLY? Wtf? Jordans are in import therefore cost more here and diamonds well have you seen the movie Blood Diamond? I am a teacher not a bootlegger! Enough said!

Myth 4: " Korean women are soooo BEAUTIFUL! So docile and subservient"
Once again my friend you've watched Memoirs of a Geisha wayyyyy to many times. Secondly those women were JAPANESE!
The number of beautiful Korean women is just the same as the states, a mixture or "Oh WOW" and "Oh HELL No!"  If I had a shit ton of elective cosmetic surgery all before the age of 21 I'd be a knockout too. However Korean women (well a good portion are quite thin) due tend to dress more chic and take pride in their appearance more so than their Western couterparts. As far as docile goes, if you define docile by whining incesantly and throwing temper tantrums in public then sure go right ahead!

MYTH 5: " Koreans are sooo skinny, it must be because ther eat all that rice and sushi"
What?Once again sushi is JAPAN! Koreans are considered the fatties of Asia.
 News flash ,RICE is NOT a diet food. Actually it's quite the opposite. A fat Korean will see an overweight foreigner, sneer looking up from his/ her greasy delicious snack long enough to call you FAT! Because in reality they are in utter denial about their fatness.

Next time on Korean MythBusters...

             Epic Korean LIES Myths                

Until next time...

Confucius say: Beware of of hillarious bullshit in the form of ignorance, you could end up in my next post. just kidding ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ :) ( sort of)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The New Year brings new adventures!

 Sorry it's been  a month since my last post but, I really haven't had anything blogworthy to post. So instead of boring you with some ridiculous rant or list of things I did the past month I opted not to blog. That aside,
HAPPY NEW YEAR! I can't believe it's 2011. I haven't been stateside since mid 2009. Where does the time go?
 I'm convinced that Korea is some strange time vortex where time just melts away.  Then BAM!, another year gone by. Well I have to say, 2010 was an exciting and productive. I fell in madly in love, learned some Korean, successfully ordered things online all in Korean, read something like 20 + books, traveled to Thailand twice, Hong Kong and India as well as explored a bit of Korea. Amongst all this madness I  found another piece of me.
On a sad note all the changes they are making  in Korea in regards to rights for foreigners ( and not for the better), I've decided this will be my last contract. After next fall, I will exit stage left.
So that means,  I'm only here for another 10 months ( you might think thats a lot of time, but trust me... in Korea it flies by)and I don't want to be one of those expats who's been here 2+ years and never seen Namsang Tower or Busan,  So  I promise to see some more Korean sights before next Nov! That aside I've given up on seriously learning anymore Korean.
 Even though I surprise myself sometimes with how much I understand.
Japan is the next destination, so it's time for this 外国人 to start learning Japanese and start scouting job opportunities. The home of the raeman shop, sushi,  karaoke, geishas, saving face, hara juku, and so much more. I am not excited for learning Kanji. I'll pull a Bill Murray, being perpetually Lost in translation. I'll be trading in my soju for sake and kimchi for wasabi. With a full waist bow I look forward to my next adventure  in Japan. Let the countdown begin!

Speaking of adventures I'll be heading stateside in 4 days! I can't believe it's time already! I remember when first bought that outrageously expensive ticket, I thought 3 months away. Now I'm less than a week away. I don't think I've ever missed my family and friends as much as I miss them right now. I'm super pumped to see everyone, eat delicious food, go SHOPPING, listen to the radio, speak English freely, and see how awkward I am acclimating myself back to America. So with a barely empty suitcase with the exception of a clean pair of undies, a toothbrush,  a few bottles of Soju and socks, I'm prepping myself to head back to the good ole US of A.
Wishing all of you the best in 2011! I better get packing. Don't want to forget my toothbrush.
Until next time...